Are We There Yet?
by Neferit
Summary: Chekov had been kidnapped by alien race, and he decides to annoy the hell out of them. TOS kink meme fill.


**A/N:** Anon at TOS kink meme said:

_Chekov somehow gets caught by the enemy to be used as a hostage. Our favourite Ensign decides to make the best out of this bad situation and decides to entertain himself. Unfortunately for his captors, Chekov's idea of entertainment involves annoying them as much as possible._

And coining the phrase – "PLOT TRIBBLES – THEY MULTIPLY."

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but this silly piece, the prompt is of the OP!Anon and Star Trek is property of Paramount. So sad.

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**Are We There Yet?**

In the words of profound wisdom – Chekov was _fucked_, and not in the funny meaning of the phrase. No, he was really fucked, like very really kidnapped by hostile alien race, who thought it funny to kidnap Starfleet Officers.

It wasn't so bad, actually. They just took him from Enterprise – now that is something what he would pay good credits to see, Mr Scott's and Captains fury at that damn aliens who dare to steal people from their ship – right before they will took every ounce of power from the engines and find the kidnappers to beat the shit out of them with a screwdriver, which will be something what Sulu will join with an epee, Uhura will sing them to the next century, Doctor McCoy will hypo them so much their neck will never stop aching and Mr Spock will nerve pinch them every time when they will try to pick themselves from the ground.

But right now, he was bored to tears. And nothing is worse than bored Russian Starfleet Ensign.

"Are we there yet?"

No answer. And he hated getting no answers for his question, as his _mama_ definitely could confirm. Well, as his _papa_ could confirm. And his kindergarten teachers. Well, the primary, secondary and high school teachers. Oh crap, even the Starfleet Academy instructors could confirm that.

"Are we there yet?" he repeated, adding a bit of the whiny tone into his voice. Obviously he was doing something right, because one of the aliens turned his head and he could see one of his eyebrows twitching in exactly the same way Mr Spock's brow twitched when Captain Kirk had been acting in _illogical way._ But they still didn't answer him, so he decided to change strategy for a bit.

"Do you think you could sign my uniform, Mr Alien?" he asked eagerly. "I'm sure that Lena from Cartography will love that!" No answer.

"Could you say something in your language?" Nothing.

"Can you dance? No answer. "Well, I can! Dance is Russian invention!"

That got both of his kidnappers to look at him, confusion on both their faces, which quickly changed to alarm when he attempted to raise to his feet and show them how well he can dance _kosatchek_. Before he knew it, he was sitting on the floor again, both aliens hovering above him with clear warning in their faces.

He fell silent for a moment. But boredom is mighty beast which won't just die because someone gave you funny looks. Boooooring. Another change of strategy was in order.

"Rastsvetali yabloni i grushi, paplyli tumany nad rekoy!" he declared, trying to sound like the famed Red Army Choir. Well, scratch the previous funny looks – the ones he was getting now were higher level of funny.

He switched songs. "Polyushko-pole, polyushko, shiroko pole, edut po polyu geroi, eh, da krasnoj armii geroi!" The looks were getting a bit annoyed, if he could say so. Obviously they did not like choral songs. _Good._

When he was by the third verse of Polyushka Polye he noticed the aliens were getting used to it. That was bad, because it meant he will get bored again.

"Step in time!" he exclaimed after a short period of complete silence, making the aliens jump in their seats. "C'mon lads and step in time! Step in time, step in time!" He would show them some 'kick your knees up step in time' or 'flap like a birdie step in time', but since he had his hands tied, the birdies would not look all that good. And _oooh_, in no time one of the aliens will get a stroke, if he doesn't calm down – the vein on his forehead looked ready to burst.

"So, you're aliens? As in real aliens?" he asked after a while. "That's absolutely !" He had been chirping about how cool it is to be kidnapped by UFO, and how about 50% of Terrans thought they were kidnapped by UFO in 20th century and now he was kidnapped in real, and did they know the UFO was invented in Russia?

And suddenly, there had been short dialog between the aliens and flash and…

"Mr Chekov, how did you get in here?"

"Captain?" he asked, surprised himself.

As he was giving them quick report about what happened to him, he noticed the Bridge crew smirking when he got from the 'are we there yet?' to 'did you know this had been invented in Russia?'

Oh yes. Being annoying brat was so invented in Russia, too.


End file.
